March 25, 2013
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From Hope
There is an interesting comment I saw on a blog recently. I know that people bred on Hollywood romance utterly despise the idea that love and marriage is work; instead they want to see it as their right to find someone awesome and into them for zero effort. I’m not convinced that this is a realistic expectation. At any rate, here’s one from the other side of the aisle:
The fact is, commitment-minded men are A LOT more sensitive to cues of promiscuity than other women are. They can’t afford to make a mistake, especially in today’s climate (written about extensively in the manosphere). They certainly don’t want a woman who is going to have any association with the words “loose” or “slut.” The expression “fun-loving” sounds fine to us girls, but to guys it raises huge red flags. It’s not really anything new under the sun either. Men have always valued chaste and pure women with morals and self-discipline.
I was no saint myself in my past, and I’m not a virgin. How I proved my long-term worth to my husband is by being good just about every step of the way. From the beginning I told him I don”t party, go out to clubs or bars, drink, smoke, or use drugs. We were in the same social circle, and I never flirted with or even really talked to any of the other guys in that circle. I changed my style of dress as soon as he said skirt length above the knee is not good. I stopped frequent contact with former male friends, and began associating with only other women in stable LTRs at work. Men see me and know just from my dress and body language that I’m taken. It was not worth the risk of being seen as a less than faithful and loyal girl to do these things, and it was worth the effort to be with an amazing man.
. . . Incidentally, dominant men can afford to be the most choosy about the virtues and faithfulness of their women. My husband was very choosy, and he is definitely a fairly dominant man. He never told me what I should or should not do, never forced me to do anything against my will, and always told me it was my choice. But I knew that if I had been a more flirty girl who showed less loyalty and wanted to “date around a bit” instead of showing him my devotion and love, he would have just let me go. He wouldn’t have tried to change me or control me, but he wouldn’t have gone through with asking me to move in with him and later marry him.
So what do you ladies think – is she trying too hard? Did she give too much away? Did she change herself for him? Would you take those sorts of actions if you KNEW it would lead to a successful marriage?
Would it gall you to have to prove yourself to a man, even though a man has to prove himself to you?
Comments (6)
Well, I’m not a lady, but I think both sides have to put an equal amount of effort towards the relationship. What the girl in the exert did is fine by her convictions and standards, but for some, it may seem a little extreme. To me, it seemed a little more out of submission (even though she states that her husband never forced her to do anything). Then again, any relationship is never a one-size-fits-all. You have to judge each on an individual basis, and if it works well for her marriage, I think that’s really all that matters.
However, for those who simply think that relationships should not require any work will drive themselves into a lot of preventable heartbreak and frustration. Anything worth your time will require effort and dedication.
I definitely do agree that both sides have to “prove” it, as in, both parties have to show that they’re in it for the long term. I think that the first paragraph shows what she had to do in order to prove her willingness to her husband.
However, I know girls who’ve taken those same steps, landed the guy, went through the I do’s, and then realized that their sacrifice was indeed a HUGE one. Not saying that the sacrifice wasn’t worth it, but it was that the guys were too narrow-minded in what he wanted from my friends. There are different ways to prove your worth to different people, but if my man demanded that I give up all my man friends to prove MY worth, it raises some flags for me. I would do it for the right man, of course, but what is the motive behind the drastic step?
To each his own. It may have worked for them specifically, but not for everyone. Uncanny though, the whole being free to prove loyalty/fidelity exchange sounds a lot like myself and my current relationship.
The last question is definitely a loaded question – but yes, I’d go to prove myself to a man. In fact I don’t think I would be attracted if I didn’t need to prove myself – I know I have a long way to go. I would do it if I felt like the marriage was worth it.
I had no idea honestly that guys still valued pure/chaste girls. Everywhere I go it seems like they want “experienced” women.
And I totally understand what you mean by Hollywood expectations – they end at wedding scenes for a reason. Marriage is another story, and it really takes work!!
@christykim - I think it’s a question of “commitment minded” men vs. men looking for a bit of fun. Expect to run into the latter more often.
@eciila - Indeed it is an excellent idea to figure out what each party wants from the relationship, as early as possible.
@consignedhearts111 - I don’t think relationships are best thought of as ‘one size fits all.’