January 31, 2011
-
For the lovers
Just a general observation for all of you concerned with relationships – it is really not a great idea to start judging your significant other unless you are prepared for it to lead to some very ugly places.
Relationships, fundamentally, are based on acceptance of the other person – that unconditional acceptance we call love. If we start judging our significant others, that says that we are no longer prepared to accept them uncritically and require them to prove themselves. Now, certainly, there are all sorts of behaviors that we may personally decide we can’t tolerate. That’s fine, even healthy, and need not be a basis of judgment. But when you say, “My lover should have X, Y, and Z qualities, and they must always be true,” then you are setting up your relationship for failure. People are consistent only in their inconsistency.
Again, if you say, “It bothers me when you do X,” that is fine – your lover should be attempting to fit into your preferences, after all. But if you find yourself saying, “categorically, people who do X are inferior, and if you don’t shape up, you do not meet my criteria,” that is pretty much saying that you care about the person only inasmuch as they fit the categories in your head. That is a very bad sign for a relationship.
