January 20, 2009

  • Mori Does Datingish 5

    I'm coy and subtle and guys don't get it.  Why don't they approach me?

    There's a lot I could tell you.  I could tell you that there's a difference between being legitimately subtle and being so noncommunicative that it's not possible for even a sophisticated person to guess at what you're really thinking.  I could tell you that guys (sadistic game players aside) who are interested in an honest relationship strive to avoid mind games.  If you begin by forcing people to second-guess you all the time, that doesn't exactly scream, "honest and easy to get to know."  It screams, "I'm a raging bitch who makes things complicated when they don't have to be." Not many guys will bite on that bait, and the ones who do are likely to have issues.

    The bigger issue, though, is that your entire post is along the lines of "I'm just doing my thing; why doesn't everything magically happen the way I want it to?"  The answer to that is that it is because you are doing what you are doing that you are not getting the results you want.

    Of course, you can do whatever you want, but so can they.  You don't have to make yourself openly interested and approachable. And they don't have to approach you.

    Want to change the overall result?  Start rethinking your end of things.

    Why do we settle in relationships?

    What is the meaning of life?  What is the sound of one hand clapping?  What is the 3458890438th letter in the sequence of your DNA code?

    I'm getting at something here - it's different for different people. 

    I have no doubt that your post was very insightful about the reasons you and your immediate circle of friends settle in relationships.  But I can easily think of dozens of other reasons people might settle - ranging from the classic Pearl Jam line, "Can't find a better man," to "I need my immigration status fixed" to "He took care of me while I was sick" to "He really loves me even if I don't love him" to "My family will honor-kill me if I don't marry him."

    Anything can be settling.  Marrying for money can be settling.   Marrying for good looks can be settling.  Marrying for great personality can be settling.  Marrying for performance in bed can be settling.  It all depends on what your highest ideal of marriage is - in the case of someone who thinks marriage is a union between two families and that they have a duty to marry into a good family, they could actually be settling by falling in love and marrying.  Truly, for those of us who came out of a "love and marriage" culture, it can be eye-opening to meet someone who is honestly convinced that they screwed up their life and the future of their children by marrying the love of their life.

    Too much?  Not able to consider that people have different values?  Well, I'll leave it at that.

    Buying Gifts for your SO can be a competition.

    This is news?  When the first caveman drew the first sketch on the first inhabited cave, thus beginning the earliest inklings of recorded history - getting gifts for romantic interests was already known to be a possible outlet for competition.  It was already old news then.  I am reasonably certain that there are five year old children today who grasp the idea that gift giving can be a competition.

    I'm honestly not sure what to say here.  Let's go with, "You must have lived a very sheltered life."

    How many dates before sleeping together?

    The question is inane, but the case study is interesting.  A girl was asking a coworker this because she felt pressured to sleep with a guy.  Reports Mr. Lion:

    "'I don't want him to think I'm a slut,' she went on.  She kept saying how she wasn't sure if he was expecting something in return."

    This, my friends, is nothing less than the total negation of the feminist movement.  No, it is the total negation of sanity.  Please allow me to suggest some reasonable guidelines:

    A.  You sleep with someone when you are good and ready, and not before.  Obviously, depending on your beliefs, that can be anything from the first date to your wedding night (or never.)
    B.  Someone who expects something in return should get kicked to the curb.  If the privilege of your company isn't good enough, he can just date someone else.  Anyone who thinks of dating as a matter of profit or crude payment for services is not the kind of person you want to be dating.  If you're looking for a relationship, someone who can't stand to talk to you and just wants to hop in bed is not relationship material.
    C.  Someone who sleeps with you and then labels you a slut is no good for you.  If you honestly think he is this kind of man, why are you dating him?

    I feel like I've just had to explain why eating arsenic is a bad idea.

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